Sigmoid and the Sea Monsters

 Are all colon doctors full of energy?  Jill and I met with my new colon surgeon today.  He brought in a laptop that had a giant poop emoji sticker on the back.  Bold choice.  But like my new high-energy oncologist, Dr. Lakshmi was equally high energy.

Looks like I will be scheduled for surgery in a couple of weeks. He told me about the 2-4 rule.  2-4 hours of surgery, 2-4 days in the hospital, and 2-4 weeks recovery.  Likely I will be out for a short time, then need to work from home for some of the recovery.  If only I had had any practical experience working from home, sequestered from human contact and doing on-line meetings.  Certainly shouldn't be that hard, right?

In the exam room, there was a diagram of someone's digestive track, pinpointing every single disease that can/does occur.  It was useful to see the plumbing, but damn, that person had some serious issues.  Kinda put things into perspective.  Certainly, my thing is not fantastic, but I don't have withering bowel syndrome, or super nasty carcinoma of the urethra.  (That was an actual thing that might have been on the chart - the font was really small).

My first spitfire colon doctor had me thinking they would take out 1/2 my colon.  It's closer to 20%.  I will be losing my Sigmoid Colon (Freud's medical doctor third cousin).  You have your first part, then your second part (sorry if that's too technical), then the Sigmoid Colon, then we head to the exit.  I'm just losing that fancy outer room that some swanky bathrooms have, often with attendants and spritz bottles of mouthwash.  And when you think of it that way, ewww.  Sorry.  

But they will take my colon sitting room, stick the other parts back together like PVC pipe, it will all heal, and then I get to go back to just one cancer!  I did smart-assedly ask if they used gorilla glue, and he told me they use tiny staples, but then they do actually use some form of glue as well.  If you ask a smart-ass question, sometimes you get an answer. Again, ewww.  

Dr. L told me they use a "minimally invasive" method, called the DaVinci Code, or Method, or something.  I wasn't sure what minimally invasive meant (even after he clearly described it).  I thought it included not asking too many hard questions.  But no, google tells me it is robot assisted!  Awesome.  And instead of one big-ass scar, apparently I will have a few, small incisions, around my belly button, on the bottom of my left foot, and if I heard him correctly, on one of the cats.  My pick.

So, off to a new adventure.  I was going to ponder if I am in the midst of a terrible series of alphabet-named cancers (like hurricanes).  Cancer A dissipated in the Atlantic before it could become a Tropical Cancer (likely around the Tropic of Cancer - see what I did there?)  So, we started with Brain, then moved on to Colon.  I stopped pondering this when I tried to think of a "D".  Maybe it's possible and other D body parts exist, but tell me honestly guys, what is the first thing that comes to mind?  Yeah, me too.  Not funny after that.

Head, Colon, Knees and Toes, Knees and Toes

 I tried out lots of ideas for blog post titles.  

The other title that came closest: "Heads and Tails"

So, I got some unfortunate news yesterday.  Had my first colonoscopy this week, and was happy to have that completed.  It's a few years past when they suggest you first get one, but I had good excuses.  From age 50 to 52, I really didn't want to do it.  I mean, wholly and completely had no interest.  Then, my interest didn't improve, but came to the conclusion I probably should.  Soon after I came to that epiphany, boom, brain tumor.  Other priorities.  Still, something I need to do.  So I went to the gastroenterologist.  Started setting it up.  Then, boom, CoVid.  That, plus I was going through the bonus chemo.  The doc and I agreed it could wait.  But, bonus chemo ended.  Ban on non-critical medical procedures eased.  So, I persisted, and set up the procedure for this past Monday.

The preparation was as unpleasant as people warned me about.  I will not go into it here, or ever.  But I did it, got the procedure, and was feeling very proud of myself.  The doc removed some polyps and said he'd get back to me.  Or at least that's what Jill tells me.  They knock you out for the actual procedure, which is such a good idea.  And I was still very groggy for the debrief.

But I was not at all drugged yesterday when the doc called me and told me one of the smaller polyps had tested positive.  I have colon cancer.  That's all I know right now.  I think I will get a CT scan soon to see how serious it is, if it's early or late, likely get myself an extra oncologist, and then start looking at treatment options.  I think this will happen next week.

Since my blog has been mostly about cancer already, I don't think I need to move to a new blog for this.  So that's an upside.  I do wonder if I should change the name to cancerpieces.blogspot.com.  And for the record, I don't (think that I) have cancer of the knees or toes.  Just wanted a clever name to lighten a truly shitty week. Pun kinda intended.

The Four Utilities of the Apocalypse

 And you thought 2020 was difficult?  We are just on the other side of snow-pocalypse here in Texas.  Or as they called it - Winter Storm Uri.  

I'm going to have to stop you (technically me) right there.  When (THE FUCK) did we start naming winter storms?  And how did we get to "U" without me ever knowing this?  Apparently, here is the beginning* of the list of named winter storms for 2020-21:

• Abigail
• Billy
• Constance
• Dane
  
• Eartha
• Flynn
• Gail
• Harold
  
  

*Why only the beginning?  Because, to get the whole list, I would need to upgrade to Weather Channel Premium.  Which the app on my phone has been bugging me about for over a year.  And what do you get with Weather Channel Premium?  Besides of course, winter storms I through Z (and whatever alphabet comes next)?  My app tells me that I should upgrade to get the "actual forecast, not just an approximation based on historical data".  I kid you not.

And - Winter Storm Harold???  

"Harold, stop blowing snow and get in this house right now!  It's time for the Golden Girls marathon on Hulu!"

But apparently, after I (Ichabod), J (Jezebel), K (Karen - of course), LMNOP, Q (Quantas), R (Rumplestiltskin), S (Snickers), and T (Tad), there comes Winter Storm Uri. 

But wait, Russell, you said you had to upgrade to get all the names.  Well, yes, but I am a strong proponent of the "one month free and then unsubscribe" school.  Which is how I watched the Mandalorian.  And how I got 12 free cassette tapes from Columbia House. No, not recently.  In 2018.

Winter Storm Uri is a mean, vodka fueled storm that comes to disrupt your elections, and your power and water.

And in case you were wondering, "they" (the weather industrial complex) names all sorts of things.  Yesterday, I drove through Morning Fog Barbara.  The app is warning me about this Saturday's upcoming Light Sprinkle Marvin.  I know this because for the next 30 days I am a premium weather customer.  Let me know if you want a house specific forecast.  At least through March 31st.

And now, back to Uri.  

There's a bit of a social compact that goes along with living in Texas.  I mean, in addition to having to put up with the idiot-ist of politicians.  Texans agree to very very hot summers (over 150 days of 100+ degree temperatures last summer alone).  In return, we are spared harsh winters.  

Here's how this is supposed to work.  Every year, our tv weather people tell us 2 to 5 times that there is a "chance of snow, sleet, or freezing precipitation."  And every year, we don't get any snow, sleet, or freezing precipitation.  By the way - hail doesn't count.  We get our share of that in hot months (March to November).  I still don't understand sleet.  But I see that I can get one-on-one explanations from Al Roker on premium Weather Channel.  Need to remember to take advantage of that before April.  

This is sprinkled in with a once-in-every-five-years light dusting of snow.  Just enough to scrape enough off the cars to make a tiny, adorable snow person.  It is clearly part of the bargain that we should never see enough snow and ice to shut down the city (sure, the light dusting shuts us down, but that's because we all suck at winter).  Snow and ice that takes out power, water, and other utilities, closes our grocery stores and makes all roads impassable for nine days?  Oh, hell no.

Austin was below freezing for 144 hours.  The weather people (when I had power) told me that was a long time.  It started on a Thursday with cold.  We should have known we were in for trouble, as the power said "um, no.  Not going to do this."  Our power went out and the temp in the house dropped.  My brother saved us twice during Uri.  Thursday night we slept at his lake house, which had electricity (which includes heat).  By Friday evening, our house was back up.  Satrurday, we tossed a bunch of spoiled food and bought what we could.  HEB was already a bit, light, by then.  Sunday was when the actual snow and ice started. Electricity says "um, hell no.  See ya."  Went out from Sunday afternoon till late Monday.  This is when we realized that, for whatever reason, the gas stove needs electricity to run. Seems like a design flaw.  My grill was frozen, so we grazed on anything that was not spoiled (round 2) and that needed no cooking.  I did manage to heat water over the fireplace to make coffee.  Until the water went out Monday.

When we got electricity back, it stayed on, and we never were in danger of freezing to death.  And in a Jewish miracle, the firewood lasted two days, so that when our heat came back on, I still had four pieces left.  Note: a minor Jewish miracle, at best.

So by Tuesday - electricity on, water off.  Oh, and internet was down the entire time.  I read a couple of books.  And spent the rest of my time harvesting ice and snow and melting it, just so that we could flush the toilets.

The ice cleared a bit by Friday (day 8), so Jill and I trudged through the snow and ice to the local HEB, that had literally nothing on the shelves.  And a long line of people waiting for that nothing.  On Sunday, after a week without a shower, I checked in with my brother. The lake house was also without water, but the downtown condo was aqueous.  And the roads were just passable enough for a trip downtown for a shower.

Water came back the next day, and the boil water notice expired two days later.  Internet came back two days after that, so our utilities are all better.

We survived Uri with mostly inconveniences, compared to others who had serious issues.  Well, my car did die, but I was eventually able to revive it.

So, I have to ask, what comes after global pandemic, Cheeto Voldemort, and Austin's 100-year winter storm?  I tend to think it's probably a river of blood, or the slaying of the firstborn, but I am kinda hoping for a rain of frogs. That would be cooler.

I am 100% certain we are approaching end times (ok, 93%, since Judaism is old testament).  But I admit I should have seen this coming.  We moved offices late last year, as we are expanding in Austin, and I moved my admin staff out of the current site to give them more client services space.  When we were looking for space, three of the four offices we looked at were completely furnished, with desks, chairs, personal items, and all office amenities.  In one space, there was a cellphone on a desk, and in another (I swear this is possibly true), a steaming cup of coffee on a counter.  From my limited understanding of Kirk Cameron movies, I believe a bunch of insurance agents, marketing reps, and credit union employees got raptured.  So, my question is - "is it a good or bad idea to take over an office where the former occupants got raptured?  And if they come back, are we required to vacate the premises?  It means they didn't make it to heaven, right?  Seems like we get to keep the office in that case.

But anyway, we are doing fine now.  Thanks for asking.