Each doctor visit generally starts with a check of my vitals. From what I can gather, it's blood pressure, temperature, height, weight, something about the circumference of the tip of my index finger and pain. It always starts with pain.
"On a scale of 1-10, what is your pain level today?"
When you set up the scale like that, it assumes there will always be some level of pain. Zero is not an option. Certainly, life contains pain. Our choices, regrets, missed opportunities, lost connections... But they aren't asking about the gestalt kind of pain. Their scale assumes everyone has some baseline level of physical pain. I have to say, I'm often at 0. Lately I've had some spikes to possibly 3 or 4, but nothing to get an opiod addiction over. Now, tooth related pain can take me to 11. But surprisingly, the aftermath of my exciting May adventures never put me over a 5.3. My recommendation is to ask about bureaucratic pain.
"On a scale of 1-10, how annoying are our systems, forms, billing and processes?"
Sometimes the medical professionals will ask for self-reports on the vitals.
"How much do you weigh? How tall are you? What is the circumference of your index finger?" That last one might be 'pulse'? Again, not a doctor.
When given the option to self-report, I generally report the weight I hope I could be in some not-too-distant future. And that's usually about 5-10 pounds lower than my actual weight. I am more consistent with height, as I don't believe I'll grow much more. Though shrinking is a possibility at some point. I also generally self-report my temperature as 98.8 degrees. Seems within the margin of error, and I think I am likely more of a little-bit-hot person than a little-bit-cold person.
The problem with the self reporting is that every once in awhile they do quality control. They actually check. But I get up on the scale with complete self-deluded confidence that my clothes and contents of my pockets weigh at least 15 pounds. I do carry a lot of change. But they never actually measure height, so maybe I should start envisioning myself taller instead of lighter.
One thing I always think to do, but never have, is to learn what normal blood pressure should be. They measure mine, and report a couple of numbers that mean nothing to me. I generally assess things by the way those numbers are reported.
"200 over 600. Hmmm" - means it's probably not where it should be. "150 over 5. Not bad" - much better. I did actually ask one time, and the nurse told me that the standards keep changing, so it's really unknowable.
My adventures came with new doctors and new forms with thousands of new questions. The imaging place wanted to make sure I had no metal in my body or face tattoos that could interfere with the 3-Tesla. The neuro-something office asked about a whole list of disorders I had never heard of.
Jill's good advice "If you can't pronounce it, you haven't had it."
In addition to the pages and pages of medical forms, I get asked a bunch of questions. Since the original seizure, I think the only thing I got wrong was the year. This was reported to me by my blind-date EMT right after we met. He asked me more questions, and while my answer of "Voldemort" to his question "Who is the President?" raised some concerns, I followed it by reciting the last several presidents (Obama, W, Clinton, HW, Reagan, Carter, Ford, Nixon), their wives, children, and electoral college totals. To be honest, I did forget one Bush twin - "Barbara and the one who got a DUI", but as this was part of the answer to questions he did not ask, he let it slide. And no one asked me about the current president again.
They do generally ask me to smile. While I thought it was a mental health assessment, Jill pointed out it was much more likely to be checking the motor functions of my face muscles. Jill also chronicled the contraction of my drinking over time.
1st time: "How much alcohol do you drink per week?" Probably 6-8 drinks per week.
2nd time: "How much alcohol do you drink per week?" Probably 4-5 drinks per week, mostly on the weekend.
3rd time: "How much alcohol do you drink per week?" Not more than two drinks per week, and then generally only sacramental wine.
4th time: "How much alcohol do you drink per week?" Never touch the stuff. It's the devil's water fountain.
I didn't notice the change in answers myself. But if I did shave off a bit over time, it's just that the question sounds so judgmental. And if I did that with my alcohol consumption, I probably did the same thing with the question on meth.
As I am filling out the forms, Jill acts as my own quality control. She emits a very specific noise when an answer is more aspirational than actual.
Jill: [skeptical noise]
Me: "What? It asks about changes in cognition"
Jill: "You said you have felt like it's harder to concentrate and you feel more fuzzy sometimes"
Me: "But not today. And it's more like, that thing, you know, where you...you know what I am getting at. What was the question?"
Jill: [skeptical noise]
Me: "What? It asks about behavior change. I haven't had any behavior change."
Jill: [skeptical noise]
Me: "That's a FERPA violation! Stop looking at my answers!"
Jill: [skeptical noise mixed with "yep, told you so" noise].
What was the question?
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