A friend asked me yesterday if this experience is helping to clarify things for me, or helping to put things in perspective. My honest answer was "no." I don't drop the wry, sarcastic facade long enough to have found any deeper meaning. As treatment gets closer and more complicated, it's been harder to keep some of the darker thoughts out. Between my adventure on 183 and my biking encounter with a Honda Fit last July, it's not an overstatement that I have had two experiences in the last year that could have killed me. And that's before even getting into the tumor, treatment, and aftermath. I only had a small window between seizure and diagnosis / treatment planning. There was really only about a week of not knowing whether this was something that would cause me to start saying goodbye to everyone. After diagnosis and treatment planning, that part went away and I have jumped into 'What's next?" mode.
I don't think my "no" was inaccurate, but maybe incomplete. A very weird irony is that the brain tumor has me writing again. I work things out through wry and sarcastic musings on the mundane, the ridiculous, and the profound things going on. I feel less anger these days, and much more gratitude. People reaching out and wishing me well is energizing. People liking my writing makes me happy. I so appreciate all offers of assistance. I don't yet know all that I need, but the offers and the thoughts are amazing.
I don't know that I will get any enlightenment out of this, but perhaps it is bringing some clarity. And that's not a bad thing.
All of that is sincere. It is also the exact definition of "treacly". You had to know that was coming.
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