You may have noticed the posts are slowing. Or, and this is less possible, you may be actually just going about your lives and haven't noticed anything at all, except your usual life things.
I set myself up mentally for a bad July. The bad last week of June has been a bonus. Over the last several days, I have chronicled the specific phases I have been going through. These are certainly not exhaustive, though this treatment is absolutely and without question exhaustive. I will add to this as new fun modes arrive. Or, to be honest, I will lay on my couch and think about doing that, but not quite have the energy to do so.
"Power Save" Mode - this one arrived after several days of treatment. There are times I lay on the couch and find that is really all I can do. Theoretically I could get up and do something if I had to. Escape the house should it be on fire. Pet a cat, especially that orange one who really does most of the work himself by rubbing against hands, glasses, really anything. Cats must be very itchy. But mainly, my screensaver is on, my CPU is on idle, and there I will sit till someone jiggles my mouse. Sorry, that one got a little suggestive at the end.
"One Too Many" Mode - this was the first mode I encountered after I started chemo. The low-level hangover comes and goes, but has not progressed to full on "Spring Break at Padre" mode. Now there was a time I earned that hangover.
"Treacly" Mode - this was the first emotional mode I identified. I love all of you. Honestly. I am tearing up while writing this.
"Wacky Shack" Mode - Six Flags (and Astroworld, and Disneyworld, and wherever) have these buildings built askew, where you walk through the building at a weird angle, and it's hard to find your balance or center. I have spurts of everyday Wacky Shack, where I all of the sudden careen into a wall, or teeter and wobble while walking. And for the record, Jill is my center. And I love all of you!
"Deja You" Mode - admittedly, I have had this mode for some time. It's now either just a bit more pronounced, or I am using the brain tumor as an excuse. Did I tell you about this one before? I kinda sorta remember talking to someone about this. Maybe it was you. Sorry if I am repeating myself.
"Staring Into the Abyss" Mode - fortunately, I haven't spent a whole lot of time here. It's really not where I want to put my energy. Assuming I had a whole lot of that.
"Pickling" Mode - this has been the most surprising one. In which I have converted a plethora of homegrown cucumbers into a large number of jars of homemade pickles. I feel like I might have told you about this one already. Sorry.
"Robert Frost" Mode - my second identified emotional mode. Again, not a lot of time in this one, but I've had a bit of time contemplating the roads not taken. The most zen / spiritual / whatever I ever get is my belief that the path you are on is the one you are supposed to be on, no matter how messy the trip is. So I generally don't find that I have that many regrets. Certainly, I could have been a better friend/son/father/husband/person in many ways, but I don't regret my choices. Except not trying harder to get out of Austin to go to college. But, I was 18, it was so easy to get into UT back then, and it was $4 a semester hour (with books, I was paying around $300 a semester, plus room and board. I have two kids going to college this fall, $300 represents about their first two hours). So, not a hard regret, just that I wish I had tried a bit harder to get into Berkeley, where I really wanted to go.
"Empowered but Stupid" Mode - I've been chronicling this a bit. Proving that I can still do things for myself and/or things I used to do while serious drugs are coursing through my body and radiation is being zapped into my head. Recent examples include my bike ride last weekend, which while it felt amazing at the time, will have to be my last until after treatment; my walk to the 383 bus on Thursday afternoon, which while doable was not advisable with a heat index of 103; and my recent realization that the doctor's recommendation of bland foods was in fact meant for me, the guy who likes spicy foods. No additional details will be shared, except the conclusion that broth, jello, and the like sound like an amazing meal plan for July.
I love all of you. Sorry, did I already say that?
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