Seems like I’m in yet another new phase. I come from a long line of long-suffering Jews. Generally, the suffering is something you keep to yourself. My Nana was far and away the very best at this. She had chronic lung problems for the last decade (probably the last two decades) of her life. You’d ask “Nana, how are you feeling?” And she would smile at you, reveal some small detail like that she was a little tired, then deftly turn the entire conversation. “Darling, thank you for asking. How are you? How is the family?” She was a master, and we were all complicit in this dance. Heck, the tribe has been oppressed for several thousand years, what’s a little discomfort?
Well, I am a different generation. And while I proudly credit my grandmother for helping me see my true path in social services, I clearly did not also get her grace. That is a fairly high bar for anyone, as Nana Bert was an elegant, graceful woman who had genuine caring and concern and interest in everyone she met.
I do strive for that ideal, but after a couple of weeks of radiation and chemo, I can say without reservation, my suffering-in-silence threshold is pretty freaking low. Ask me how I’m doing. I will tell you. The last several days, I have ranged from somewhat fair to pretty fucking terrible (PFT), with a fair amount of time at PFT. Feeling somewhat fair, I went to work yesterday morning, only to head back home midday at PFT. Friends and family ask me how I am feeling, and I have been pretty honest. It’s hard to know if it’s better to say “I’m doing OK”, or to tell people I’m not. I know there is a time limit on this - treatments end 7/31. I don’t want people to feel bad for me or uncomfortable asking. I truly appreciate the concern and care. I just know now that I am less of a long-suffering Jew and more of a “have I told you about my sciatica?” Jew. These are two different species. So If you ask, I’m gonna tell. Hopefully I won’t find that I am the third kinda Jew - seeking out people to air my various bodily complaints, without prompting.
I meet with the radiation oncologist every Wednesday, though for simplicity purposes, we will now call him the Radiator. Also, when you pair the Radiator with his Extender, you get a totally bad-ass pair who could be either superheroes or super-villains. I lean toward heroes, but we will see as July progresses.
The Radiator asked me this morning, “everything is going well?” In my newfound clarity over my self identity as someone who answers that question honestly, I said “no, not entirely well at all.”
Jill pointed out that I totally missed the punctuation. His was a statement, not a question.
“Everything is going well.”
Awesome, happy to hear that. Really.
“So, am I just about cured?” I asked, knowing for a multitude of reasons that this is not what he was saying,
“Treatment is progressing as expected.”
Oh, he is doing a process evaluation, and not an outcomes evaluation. We are faithful to the intervention protocol, though we won’t know the efficacy of our interventions until the post-test. Shout out to all my evaluation nerd friends!
And how are you doing? And the family?
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