If you know me at all, you know that I am a numbers person. But I cannot deal with the awful numbers being thrown about - infections, deaths, job losses, projections. So this post will use numbers for (mostly) good.
A. Three - the number of additional Mexican beers I know, limiting my use of them in blog post titles to just three more. But admittedly, one of them is Sol, which I recall is kinda awful. Like the Bud Lite of Mexican beers. Don't agree with my analogy? Try these:
It's like the Cella Lambrusca of Wine
It's like the Montezuma of Tequila
It's like the Trump of Presidents
It's also very likely my clever joke was funny at most once. Maybe twice. Though I still think I can pull off the next one as the Tsingtao Virus (now THAT is a good beer). It's clever, and a political statement. See what I did there?
2. Capitalism, Arbitrage, or Assholery - this one deserves it's own title. Over the last several weeks, we have slowly been able to acquire the non-acquirables that people have been hoarding - plantain chips, feta cheese, ghee. My order of sanitizing wipes from Amazon early March is now on track to be delivered by next MLK Day.
One product that has consistently evaded us is Comet Cleanser. No store has it, Bon Ami, or anything remotely similar. Somebody has an enormous hoard of Comet. I did find a recipe on the internet and tried to convince Abby to make it as a home-colleged chemistry lab, but realized we have none of the ingredients. It has been so long, I broke down and ordered it on Amazon. A bundle of 3 for $23, which will arrive sometime late May. We just have to come to terms that things will go un-Cometed for a few more months.
But then Jill pointed out that an in-store bottle of Comet retails for $0.83. So the seller through Amazon was marking it up 1,325%. Which made me wonder if I had just figured out why stores are so empty. Checked e-bay, and I currently have the highest bid on a 12-ounce bag of plantain chips, at $63.87. But the auction doesn't end for three weeks, so please don't overbid me.
By the way, is this "assholery" or douchebaggery"? There is a difference. Look for my next book: "Assholery and Douchebaggery: A Guide to the Trump Administration."
Happy ending - my very-non-sad corner HEB had Comet today (literally the eighth place I checked in five weeks). So I bought 2, spending just under $2. Let me know if you need one. I'll let it go for $182.07. Plus shipping, but no handling. I touch nothing these days.
III. 50 - the number of miles I have ridden on my bike in April, keeping appropriate distance from people and cars. It's not a knock-out number, but it comes with two others - 9 - days of rain so far this month; and 400 - mg of Temodar (my Chemo) that I took earlier in April (and will start again in two weeks).
By the way #2, looking at it written out, Temodar seems a bit like a fortune teller from the movies. Not magical like Zoltan, but Temodar, the chemo teller.
"Oh wise Temodar, what does the future hold for me?"
"I see you generally feeling like crap, and losing some of your appetite. Want me to hook you up with my weed dealer?"
D. $1,119,000 - the amount of money I borrowed this week from the guvment. Which ensures 121 - # of employees we will be able to keep on payroll (out of 121) for the foreseeable future. These forgivable SBA loans ran out of money on the first day, and there are about 700,000 small businesses and non-profits waiting. Which makes me both grateful and feeling a bit sad for those who have not or may not get it. Forgive me.
And by the way #3 (the last one) - there was a specific formula for the request, and we actually asked for $1,119,020. Our bank rounded it down. I was going to use the $20 for breakfast tacos. Which you may not think is a forgivable expense, but this is Austin. Living in Austin means never having to ask forgiveness for buying breakfast tacos with stimulus money.
5) - seven (ish) - the number of homemade meals I have made over the last two weeks - from the smoked turkey soup to jambalaya, churrasco steak with homemade chimichurri and a chicken dish that I made simply because you put brandy in it and light it on fire. I like doing that. Might do that with my next batch of bacon.
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