My next career

 I lived in Houston for 15 years.  Early on, I ran across "Russell and Smith" Ford.  Someone even gave me a hat from the dealership.  At some point, they morphed into Russell and Smith Honda.

I always thought that at some point I would run for office in Houston. Wasn't sure of what I would run for, but I did know two things: 1) my platform would be simple - "if elected, I will take away your guns."; and 2) My slogan would be "Russell A. Smith, The Name You Know."  I would find the closest approximation to the car dealer's font, and I would make a lot of yard signs and bumper stickers.  This being Texas, and enough people not taking any time to actually learn about candidates, I believe I could have gotten lots of votes by name recognition alone.  My middle name is "Alan", but it could stand for "And" or "Ampersand", right?  Yes, friends from Houston.  I know that the dealership is named after Bubba Russell and Jehoshaphat Smith.  [ok, the Bubba one I know, the other I kinda made up].  But this just proves my point, right?  

But the other day, one of my staff members sent me a picture of a business in Fort Worth, that made me reconsider the signs from the universe.

There is a Russell Smith Auto in Fort Worth!  My destiny is not in sneaking into winning election as Hide Inspector for Harris County, Texas. My destiny is clearly in statewide auto dealership dominance.  My name clearly is synonymous with quality vehicle sales and service.   

Russell Ampersand Smith, the auto dealer you know and trust!

And I Feel Fine

 For fucking fuck's sake.  Sorry, I had to fucking get that out.  I'll taper off the fucks.  

But seriously?  Didn't we have enough to deal with with CoVid, Murder Hornets, and fucking Cheeto Voldemort?  I know, I promised.  Freaking Cheeto Voldemort?

Dry lightning and fire tornadoes in California?

And now, introducing the sixth horseman of the apocalypse - the "Telenovela Days of Our Lives Hurricanes." (TM).  See, it's like Luke and Laura, but it's Marco and Laura.  

I'm not sure if I have the correct shout-out to my stories here.  Might have been General Hospital.  But I read that they had to construct a CoVid tent in the parking lot as overflow.

Just moved Alex back to New Orleans, so this feels personal.  But then, looks like New Orleans is safe and Houston is in danger.  Where Jill's sister and dad, and my mom and stepfather live.  

This is divine punishment for rejoicing about Alex Jones' untreated syphilis, isn't it?

On the plus side, it does seem like Luke and Laura are keeping appropriate social and meteorological distance.  So there is that.

Being Jewish, Revelations was not in our testament. Will someone tell me if the end times are nigh.  Kinda feels like it.  

F*ck. (better, right?)

A Reminder Plea

 

First, a re-print of a 2016 post.  Then a gentle reminder of the last several terrible years.

1) Post from 2016

FRIDAY, MARCH 25, 2016

That Will Go on Your Permanent Record

To my friends and family who are starting to possibly maybe kinda sorta think about voting for Donald Trump.  Don't.  I say this as a friend.  Or as a relative.  And it's not for my sake, it's for yours.

See, I will never know if you do.  Unless you start posting your Trump love all over Facebook.  But then, I would have un-friended you long ago.  Or un-related you.

No - this is a plea to those who don't particularly like Donald Trump, but who really hate Hillary.  Who have a visceral reaction to just hearing someone say "Hillary."  Who can't even watch documentaries about Sir Edmund Hillary without getting enraged.

I am not going to try to convince you not to hate the "H" (though yoga and meditation would help).

I am here with a recommendation, for your sake.

Don't vote.  Do not go on the record as voting for the narcissistic, fascist, racist opportunist.  There is no amount of self-talk that you can give yourself that will justify voting for him.  You will always know that your reasons are full of shit.

"But Russell," you say.  "I REALLY hate she-who-shall-not-be-named."

"Fair enough," I reply.  "Don't vote for her.  Don't vote for President."

"This is just some clever ploy to help Democrats win the White House."

"Interesting theory.  However: a) I am not that clever; 2) I don't believe influencing my tens of readers will make any difference; and iii) there is no chance that my candidate will win here in Texas, even if I could convince thousands of people to stay home."

"I'm still not convinced.  Did I mention I REALLY DESPISE her?"

Let me put it this way.  Say it's primary season for the 2020 election.  Imagine that the Democrats nominate....say....Michael Moore.  Or Sean Penn.  Same logic applies.  I would not vote for President that year.  Even against the Cruz / Carson ticket (though it might look diverse - they both come from the batshit crazy wing of the party).  And I REALLY dislike both of them (hate is a strong word).  I would not vote for candidate Penn because it would make me feel dirty.  And stupid.

[Note: this doesn't apply to a John Stewart / Al Franken ticket - I'd totally vote for them.]

My response to "anybody is better than H" is "No.  Not President Trump."

And you know this.

2) Some recent history

March 30, 2011 – Donald Trump was a vocal proponent of the “birther” myth, claiming Barack Obama was not born in the United States. In 2011, Trump told Bill O’Reilly, “If you are going to be president of the United States you have to be born in this country. And there is a doubt as to whether or not he was… He doesn’t have a birth certificate. He may have one, but there’s something on that, maybe religion, maybe it says he is a Muslim. I don’t know. Maybe he doesn’t want that. Or he may not have one. But I will tell you this. If he wasn’t born in this country, it’s one of the great scams of all time.” In response to the “birther” conspiracy theory, the State of Hawaii released Barack Obama’s short- and long-form birth certificate.

"I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.”

“But her e-mails!”

"When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending the best. They're not sending you, they're sending people that have lots of problems and they're bringing those problems. They're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime. They're rapists and some, I assume, are good people, but I speak to border guards and they're telling us what we're getting."

“But the conservative judges!”

April 13, 2020 – Trump held a 2½-hour news conference in which he attacked the press. “You know you’re a fake,” he told one reporter. “Everything we did was right,” he said. He also incorrectly said that the power to reopen the country rested solely with him, not governors. “When somebody is the president of the United States,” he said, “the authority is total, and that’s the way it’s got to be.”

“But AOC!”

 February 11, 2017 – Donald Trump claimed without evidence that 3 million illegal votes went to Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election. Politifact and Snopes have both debunked the claim—with Snopes saying “the ‘3 million non-citizens’ may just as well have been plucked out of thin air.” The number appeared to originate from an InfoWars article which sought to explain why Donald Trump lost the popular vote by 2.9 million votes.

“But Hillary!”

January 27, 2017 – Donald Trump signed what would become known as the ”travel ban,” an executive order which imposed a 90-day ban on citizens from seven Muslim-majority countries from entering the United States, while also indefinitely halting incoming refugees from Syria. Trump’s travel ban still allowed travelers from other Muslim-majority countries where he held extensive business interests, such as Saudi Arabia and Turkey.

“But socialism!”

May 16, 2018 – The Senate judiciary committee released 2,500 pages of testimony with Donald Trump Jr. and top aides who met with Russian delegates at Trump Tower in 2016, providing evidence of collusion between Donald Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign and Russia. Sen. Mark R. Warner (D-Virginia) stated, “Our staff concluded that the … conclusions were accurate and on point. The Russian effort was extensive, sophisticated, and ordered by President Putin himself for the purpose of helping Donald Trump and hurting Hillary Clinton.”

“Bengazi!!!”

June 15, 2018 – Following the Trump administration’s “zero tolerance” policy announced in April 2018, The Department of Homeland Security stated that between April 19 to May 31, 2018, at the Mexico–United States border, there were 1,995 migrant children separated from 1,940 adults being held for criminal prosecution for an illegal border crossing. Trump blamed the Democrats, tweeting, “The Democrats are forcing the breakup of families at the Border with their horrible and cruel legislative agenda.”

“But Mexico will pay for the border wall!”

This is just a tiny fraction of the arguments for and against Cheeto Voldemort.  Volumes could be written on the norms he has broken, the systems he has destroyed, the idiots he put in power (special shout-out to Betsy DeVoss and Ben Carson), and the long-lasting and likely permanent damage he has done to our democracy, our values, and our institutions.  But, he “tells it like it is.” Except that it is mostly lies. 

So, dear friends and family members.  I will repeat what I said in 2016.  You know you cannot and should not vote for the narcissistic, racist, know-nothing rapist.  Or as he likes to refer to himself, the “stable genius.”

Joe is not Hillary.  Fox News hasn’t been working as long on creating a Skinnerian stimulus-response to “Joe” like it did for “Hillary.”  And I can feel some of you clinching just reading the “H” word.  Feel free to not vote.  But if you go on the record as voting for this terrible person twice, I fear for your soul.