Helium Man

 Today was supposed to be the day I did a relay half Ironman with two work colleagues. We first signed up for the race in 2019, but had to put that off because of brain tumor.  Mine, that is.  

So,we bounced our registration to 2020.  And then, of course, CoVid.  Not mine, but ours.  The Waco 1/2 Ironman did not run in 2020.  So, on to 2021.  

And then, colon cancer.  Sure, at some point, it is worth considering cause and effect.  I’m not quite ready to blame the Ironman for all of this, but there are now several data points.  Still more likely correlation than causation, but worth further study.

I healed nicely from colon surgery and was riding regularly, building up my mileage.  I was still slower than I needed to be, but still had time to train.  Then, boom.  CoVid. This time, mine. Followed by kidney stone.  Training slows, stops, restarts.  

About three weeks ago, Jill and I were 30 miles into our planned 41 mile ride, when she saw me struggling.  Sometimes I resist admitting it, but I was really struggling.  I stopped at Louis, King of France  Catholic Church, while she finished the ride and came back to get me.  One thing that puzzles me is that, during this time, services let out, and people streamed past me leaning against the tree next to the church, got in their cars, and left.  Not a single person asked me how I was doing, or even why I was there.  Setting aside the whole Christian charity part, it seems almost like a slam dunk.  Dude in distress is at your door, potential new Catholic!  I must note a couple of things, though.  This is the church that often displays crosses to show how many babies have been lost to abortion.  AND - I was wearing my new Cycling Jersey that says “Abort Texas Republicans” on the front and “You Have to Have A Heart to Have a Heartbeat” on the back.  So, it’s possible I’m not high on their proselytizing agenda. But I am a middle aged, heterosexual white guy, so there’s that.

Jill picked me up, and I remain a Jew and an occasional Unitarian.  But I had to admit I would not get to the place I needed to be by today to do the Boron Man. See earlier post.  So, very sadly, I bailed. Fortunately, I was easily replaced, so the show went on.

This morning, I decided I needed to ride a bit.  The cycling part of the 1/2 Iron is 56 miles.  It was a lovely day, and I did 20 miles.  So, about 1/3 of the 1/3 of the half.  By now I’m down to atomic #1. So I did a Helium Man.  I did feel a bit floaty, and I have been talking in a high voice all day.  And I do believe Helium Man may very well be a They Might Be Giants song.

At three distinct points on the ride,I came across a group of three vultures, feeding on some type of road kill.  The first was a squirrel, the second was a bunny, and the third looked a bit like a spider monkey, or possibly a koala.  

After the third encounter, the head buzzard looked at me like Beaky Buzzard looking at Leo the Lion in the old Warner Brothers cartoon.  I’ll be impressed if anybody gets that reference.

But I gave him my best “I’m not dead yet,”  which I know is a better known reference.  But he tells me, “I’m so old, all I can eat now is marshmallows.”  Anybody?  Nobody?

So, I need a new cycling thing to sign up for and look forward to.  Gonna skip trying the 1/2 Iron for a few years.  Certainly it’s likely not causing my ailments, but why test that?

You've Got to be Kidney Me!

 Oh for fucking fuck's sake.  Sometimes that just has to be said.  

OK, colon cancer is a thing of the past. Fine.  Great.  So, of course, there had to be a next thing on my disease-merry-go-fucking round.  I got a breakthrough CoVid case.  Nothing too serious, but it brought a friend - a sinus infection.  So, I lived in another part of the house, and got over what was actually pretty mild.  Binge-watched Ted Lasso and Money Heist, so I used my time well.  At the tail end of Covid, I kinda thought I got food poisoning.  Very painful stomach and serious nausea.

But I still had some serious drugs I never used from post surgery, so a couple of high powered pain killers and a night of sleep, and I felt good as new.  All of this had a vaguely deja vu feeling.  But from Friday morning through the following Thursday, food poisoning was my self diagnosis.  But then.  Thursday night, unbelievable pain returned.  Oh yes, I remember now.  Jill took me to the hospital, where the doctor said it could be one of two things.  My own diagnosis of a kidney stone, or a burst appendix.  And while I am excited I got both the diagnosis and the treatment correct (kidney stone and serious painkillers), I am even more excited my brief hospital stay did not lead to appendix surgery.

But still, zero stars for kidney stone.  My body makes tiny pebbles that cause unbeleivable pain.  It's something that works itself out, unlike, say, any other of my maladies.  It would be amazing if Brave Dr. Valliant, on my next visit, told me, you know, brain tumors just need to pass.  Then you'll be fine.  But alas, that is probably unlikely.  Likely 98% not gonna happen.

I am worried about what is headed my way next.  Jokingly, I've been telling people scurvy, both because it sounds like I've been on a pirate ship, and because I can proactively seek treatment with margaritas.  I told this to my therapist (no, not Sanjeep - he went full-time into tech support and is now making $175k a year, and still able to bill Medicaid).  My actual real therapist ssaid, "yeah, like scabies."

"Um, no.  Scurvy.  Like scurvy.  You and I still have some work to do.  I don't joke about scabies, leprosy, or even that disease that makes you tired all the time - was it "Roseanne Barr" syndrome?  Or did that just make you casually rascist?  Like having Gibson's Palsey makes you casually anti-Semitic.

Not Lyme disease.  Not beriberi.  Not river blindness.  Not even gout.  It's scurvy or nothing for me next, dammit.